🕺 5 things to do in London this weekend with the kids (13–14 July)

Hello fellow DiLFs! 

You need to check out a website called Apple Rankings, which is exactly what you think it is. Click/tap on any of the apples ranked on the homepage to read more about why a certain variety is “nearly perfect”, “vomitous filth”, or one of the many other categories in between. 

Now onto the reason you’re here: London listings!

Jeff xx

1: Make a Victorian hat (and do some hat spotting)

Hats: family activity at Guildhall Art Gallery
Saturday 13 July, 11:00–16:00
Guildhall Art Gallery, Guildhall Yard, EC2V 5AE
FREE (you can turn up on the day, but it’s better to book tickets just in case)

In addition to the (in my opinion) take-them-or-leave-them paintings at Guildhall Art Gallery, there are also family events every second Saturday of the month – and these are much more popular with, well, me, and lots of other people too. 

And because something weird is going on with the passage of time, this Saturday is the second Saturday of the month ALREADY. Guildhall’s July activity is all about Victorian hats: think bowler hats, top hats, feathered hats and bonnets. 

The organisers have created a fun trail in which you’ll need to spot different kinds of hats in the gallery’s paintings, and then you and your children can create your own at the crafting table. There’s also storytelling, which takes place at 11:30–11:50 and 14:30–14:50, as well as lots of dressing-up costumes to try on. 

Find out more: https://www.thecityofldn.com/event/second-saturday-family-activities-at-guildhall-art-gallery/ 

While you’re there… 

👍️ Stay in the very same building and head downstairs to the Roman amphitheatre. Incredibly, it was only discovered in 1988 while digging in preparation for re-building the gallery. (The original gallery was destroyed during the Blitz in 1941.) It’s the capital’s only Roman amphitheatre and, when it was discovered, it was integrated into designs for the new gallery. 

You can stand inside the surviving remains – right where crowds would have gathered to watch wild animal fights, public executions and gladiatorial combats – and there are lots of interactive thingammies and visuals to help you imagine yourself in the midst of it all. 

2: Dance like nobody’s watching (or judging your skills) at a rule-free dance lesson

The Album: Skool Edition outdoor dance show
Saturday 13 July, 12:30
Part of the Somerstown Festival, Chalton Street, NW1 1HJ
FREE 

I consider myself to be an uninhibited, fluid, free-spirited dancer (family members use different terminology), which means I’m not cut out for any “rules-based” dances like the Cha-Cha-Cha or Tango. And I swear that’s the only reason I don’t attempt them: if I agreed with the “no lifts” restriction in the Waltz, I’d be dynamite on that dancefloor. 

Well, a dance duo is trying to show that you can learn to dance with no formal training and no prescribed rules. At this free dance class (held as part of the Somerstown Festival), Sarah and Yukiko will teach you slick contemporary dance routines while giving you the confidence to come up with your own moves along the way. I’ve seen their dance instructions on YouTube, and I can safely say that these two couldn’t be further from a Paso Doble than a potato is from a pogo stick.

Find out more: https://theplace.org.uk/events/the-album-skool-edition 

While you’re there… 

👍️ The weather won’t be decent this weekend, but let’s just imagine it is. The Granary Square Fountains are what childhood was made for. There’s an ice-cream truck nearby, plenty of places to eat and drink, and Coal Drops Yard – which contains the most non-essential shops you can imagine (lots of fun, but absolutely no use if you’re in need of a head of lettuce or bar of soap). 

👍️ Camley Street Natural Park used to be a much-loved but slightly worn-around-the-edges spot for kids to explore and learn about wildlife and the natural environment. Since the whole King’s Cross regeneration project, it’s still very much treasured, but its impressive facelift means it's now a hit with everyone – including the well-heeled parents who’ve moved in more recently.

3: Try choral singing (and watch the experts) in a Wren-designed church

Sounds Sublime Choral Festival
Saturday 13 July, 10:00–18:45
St James’s Church, 197 Piccadilly, W1J 9LL
Workshops: adults £10, children £5; performances are free; everything requires a ticket (whether paid or free) 

If you read the first paragraph of The Sixteen’s “about” page and started doubting your ability to follow sentences or understand English words, phew: I’m not the only one. I asked ChatGPT to translate it into something a teenager would understand, and – now that I know what this group is all about – I’m ALL IN on the idea of attending their family event. 

Basically, The Sixteen is a collection of professional singers and musicians who perform choral music. The ensemble is known for using a period-instrument orchestra (instruments from the time when the music was originally written), and they perform a wide range of choral music that spans over FIVE HUNDRED YEARS.

Their festival on Saturday is all about getting children and young people to enjoy singing. The day starts with fun singing workshops for families, and after that you can listen to performances by different youth choirs. The day ends with a show by the “Genesis Sixteen” training choir. It’s all held in St James’s Church in Piccadilly, which is a Christopher Wren Original and therefore Very Cool Indeed. 

Find out more: https://thesixteen.com/season/sounds-sublime-choral-festival

While you’re there… 

👍️ For desserty, cakey options nearby, you have The Parlour at Fortnum & Mason, Kahve Dunyasi, and L’ETO Cafe. Build your own sundae at the former, order a biscuit cake at the middle one, and pick a carrot cake at the latter. You’re welcome. 

4: Do what you said you’d never do: visit the Barbie exhibition (and LOVE it)

Barbie: The Exhibition
Saturday and Sunday, 10:00–18:00 (and other days/dates until 23 February 2025)
The Design Museum, 224–238 Kensington High Street, W8 6AG
Adults from £14.38, children 6–15 from £7.19, under-6s free

Before you delegate this excursion to someone with two x chromosomes or more campness than you, hear me out. I promise I won’t tell you the dubious tale of how “Barbie was more important to female emancipation than Emmeline Pankhurst or Gloria Steinem, and it’s crucial your children understand her profound importance in history.” 

I also won’t be all, “Look! Barbie in a wheelchair! A Barbie with love handles! Asian Barbie! See how diverse and multicultural and accepting the Barbie universe is???” 

I won’t even bother to explain how it’s actually really fun to see the famous “Day to Night Barbie” – wearing a pink suit that transforms into an evening gown – in the plastic flesh. Or how interesting it is notice how Dreamhouses, cars, furniture and other Barbie paraphernalia have changed over time. 

Instead, I’ll just focus on the fact that Wallpaper Magazine – arguably the coolest magazine on the planet, which is why you and I have never read it – says the exhibition is “fantastic”, and “You do not need to be a Barbie fan to enjoy the Design Museum’s latest exhibition.” If Wallpaper thinks this is a good exhibition to attend, you’d better bloody think so too. 

Find out more: https://designmuseum.org/exhibitions/barbie-the-exhibition 

While you’re there… 

👍️ If all the pink is getting to you, there’s always the Natural History Museum or Science Museum to blow off some of that pent-up masculine steam. 

👍️ Diana Memorial Playground in Kensington Gardens has a massive pirate ship. Pirate Barbie would LOVE it. 

5: Watch a shadow puppet performance by someone who won’t disappoint the children (i.e. not you)

“Mr Shadow” Hand Shadow Show
Sunday 14 July, 10:30 and 13:30
Dulwich Picture Gallery, Gallery Road, London SE21 7AD
Adults and children £5 

If your shadow puppet attempts tend to result in questions like, “Daddy, why are you pretending there’s a willy on the wall?” it might be time to let an expert show you how it’s done. 

That expert is a guy called Drew Colby. I hadn’t heard of him until about half an hour ago, but I’ve just been bingeing his stuff on YouTube and wow: let’s just say there are zero willies on his wall. That came out weirder than I intended. 

His shadow puppet show will introduce you to a collection of beautiful creatures through an assortment of funny little stories, and will apparently explore many vintage hand shadow routines created by “such masters of the art as Prasanna Rao, Edward Victor and Albert Almoznino”. Off I go again for some more YouTube research… 

Find out more: https://www.dulwichpicturegallery.org.uk/whats-on/family-events/2024/july/mr-shadow-show/

While you’re there… 

👍️ The Crystal Palace Dinosaurs were built in 1854 and are the first dinosaur sculptures in the world. Funnily enough, they’re actually a pretty crap representation of the real things – due to the inaccuracies of early palaeontology. Information boards around the park give insights into the differences between what we knew then compared to what we know now.