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🛍️ 5 things to do in London this weekend with the kids (7–8 September)

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Jeff – Dads in London
September 04, 2024

Hello DiLFs, and welcome to the beginning of a new school term! 

September also marks when it’s just about socially acceptable to seek out online mince pie rankings. (Is this the most controversial thing I’ve ever said? I’m actually trying to work out if I believe it myself, or if I’m just trying to rile people up.)

Before you write in with hate mail, a quick favour: could you let me know if you’ve ever made use of one of my event/activity suggestions since you started reading the newsletter? 

Have you been to any suggested events/activities since you started reading Dads in London?

And if you have any likes/dislikes about Dads in London in general, please do add them in the “comments” box that appears when you select an option.

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Now on with this week. Enjoy!

Jeff xx 

PS All the reviewers love Lidl mince pies, which makes zero sense to me.

The Bag That Went BOO!
Saturday 7 September, 11:00 and 13:00
Lyric Hammersmith Theatre, Lyric Square, W6 0QL
Adults and children ÂŁ10

The Bag That Went BOO! is essentially about a red paper bag that jumps out of a brown paper bag and makes strange noises for 45 minutes. 

If you worry these kinds of shows are the artistic equivalent of offering tequila to a toddler, I have a workaround for you: just reframe it as avant-garde performance art. I once did it with the Sonic the Hedgehog game – viewing it as a postmodern commentary on our relentless pursuit of progress, with its endless loops and levels mirroring our cycles of ambition and existential searching – and it worked a treat.

As it happens, I have no doubt that The Bag That Went BOO! is a high-quality, stimulating show – and that’s because it’s produced by Garlic Theatre, which has a reputation for creating mesmerising, stimulating and thought-provoking performances for children. The plot for TBTWBOO! may seem like it’s been phoned in, but a heck of a lot of thought and care has gone into it.  

And even if it ends up being rubbish (it won’t), the good news is your kids might want a paper bag for Christmas – which works out a lot cheaper than a singing Elsa doll, believe me. 

Bust or Trust: A Kids’ Mystery
Saturday 7 September, 11:00
King’s Place, 90 York Way, N1 9AG
Adults £14, children £12 (plus a 12.5% transaction fee AND a £1 “building levy”??)

King’s Place describes itself as an “open, multi-arts venue… where many audiences belong”. Once in a blue moon it remembers that “children” are an audience who might want to belong – and it throws them a bone with an Aurora Orchestra performance. The rest of the time it’s mostly crickets (sometimes literally…ish), which is such a missed opportunity. 

Anyway! Now’s the worst possible time to complain because hell has actually frozen over and pigs are flying: WE HAVE A NEW CHILD-FRIENDLY EVENT AT KING’S PLACE!!! It’s a bit of a cheat because it’s part of the London Podcast Festival, but I’m OK with baby steps if you are. 

The event is a special live show version of a podcast called Bust or Trust, which aims to get to the bottom of some of the world’s most interesting mysteries. In previous episodes, the hosts have explored whether the Bermuda Triangle is just an area of sea or if something more supernatural occurs there; if there’s any truth to the mystery of King Arthur; and whether Nostradamus really could see into the future.  

This time, the hosts need help from the detectives in the audience to explore a brand new case. As in the regular podcast, everyone will be encouraged to think critically about “evidence” before deciding whether to bust the myth or trust it, and how to debate and disagree in a playful and productive way. The show will be full of fun facts and silly jokes, and there’s the opportunity to ask questions at the end. 

It’s not a child-friendly opera or a family arts festival, but it’s for kids – and it sounds fantastic. 

While you’re there… 

👍️ The Star of Kings pub was once called The Cross Kings, which we can all agree is a much cleverer name. It was a kooky, strange place back in pre-KX-gentrification days, with odd little club nights and a lentil-heavy menu long before “Plant Based” was the modal adjective at every London restaurant. 

The Star of Kings isn’t quite as weird or wonderful as the original, but it has one massive redeeming feature: Breddos Tacos on the menu. It’s next to King’s Place, and you should definitely go there for lunch to celebrate all the mystery-solving you’ve just completed. 

👍️ Samsung KX is basically a juiced-up Apple Store. In addition to loads of devices to try out, there’s a free Gaming Zone (which uses “the most advanced Samsung gaming technology”), a cafe, an area for coworking and a “Support Lounge” (essentially a modestly named Genius Bar). It’s a fab space that’s never too busy, but – even with all the gaming opportunities – it’s only really going to entertain everyone for about an hour or so. 

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Heritage Open Day: One Whitehall Place at The Royal Horseguards Hotel
Saturday 7 September, 10:00–16:00
One Whitehall Place, 2 Whitehall Court, SW1A 2EJ
FREE but pre-booking preferred: email [email protected] to say you’re attending 

So there’s this place in London that I’d only vaguely heard of and never even considered visiting. Now I learn that it’s normally closed to the public but will open for one teeny tiny day this weekend. And now I’m all like, “I’m sure my friend won’t mind that we’re late for his birthday so we can see inside this whatever-it-is on the very rare occasion it’s open.”

It’s the bloody Scarcity Principle doing its thing: making normally sane humans go into a crazed state of FOMO and bonkers decision-making. Thank goodness this is just a free venue down the road rather than, say, Rolex coming out with a limited edition princess sparkle rainbow watch. 

As far as venues go, this one does sound pretty impressive – and also very old, having been constructed in 1884 for William Gladstone as the home of the National Liberal Club. These days, it’s mainly used for corporate functions and very expensive weddings. 

I’m most excited by the freestanding marble staircase that wins the should-be-a-Guinness award for “largest of its kind in Europe”. But I’m also keen to see the high ceilings, the chandeliers, the humongous Gladstone Library, and some of the best views of the Thames. 

While you’re there… 

It’s quite intimidating trying to decide what else to do in the area, because we’re inundated. Obviously there’s all the touristy stuff: National Gallery, National Portrait Gallery, Whitehall, Houses of Parliament (the audio tour is great for kids), Westminster Abbey, Downing Street, St James’s Park, Westminster Bridge, Leicester Square, Covent Garden, etc. But if you’re in the mood for something a bit different, here are some less touristy things:

👍️ I still haven’t been to the famous-ish Regency Cafe, but I’ve read all the articles, seen the photos and skimmed the reviews, and it looks like the sort of place I’d enjoy. This is partly because the food is my sort of food, but mainly because the prices are my sort of prices. 

👍️ Parliament Square Garden (opposite the Houses of Parliament) is a lovely place to plonk yourself down and have a picnic. It’s kind of touristy in that your bum will be competing for space among selfie sticks and plastic ponchos, but it’s also not at all touristy because you’re just hanging out in your city, eating a lukewarm pasta salad and scotch egg while admiring the views. 

👍️ The Graffiti Tunnel (officially known as Leake Street Arches) is one of London’s few legal graffiti spots – and one of the largest, at 300 metres under Waterloo Station. If you have a can of spray paint with you, you can add your own artwork – which means the look of the wall changes every time you visit. There are bars, restaurants, a board games cafe and art galleries in the surrounding arches of the tunnel, which means it’s a great place to recommend for the dark-and-dreary-anyway winter months and I’m now mad I didn’t save it for a greyer weekend in the future. Damn. 

👍️ Agatha Christie’s Witness for the Prosecution has been performed on stages around the world for decades, and County Hall has been its (beautiful) London home since 2017. Critics and theatregoers love the show, and it’s been on my to-do list for far too long. The website says it’s most suitable for anyone over the age of ten. 

Batman Unmasked
Saturday 10:00–21:00; Sunday 11:00–18:00; other dates and times until 3 November
45 Wellington Street, WC2E 7BN
Adults ~£27, children 6–15 ~£24.25, children 2–5 ~£12 (exact price depends on date)

If I’m ever asked to teach a Marketing 101 class, I’ll tell my students to make their offer “limited” in some way (Ă  la One Whitehall Place). And when they roll their eyes and say “No one falls for that rubbish,” I’ll refrain from reminding them about how excited they get about Creme Eggs every Easter and will instead say, “OK fine. Whatevs. You already know the other option: make it Instagrammable and let your customers do your marketing for you.” 

Instagram-friendly events are everywhere, and Batman Unmasked is the latest to jump (well, fly) on the bandwagon (Batmobile). It’s another of those “experiential” exhibition thingammies, but instead of bubbles, optical illusions or Van Gogh paintings (to name just a few), it features a “never-before-seen UK collection of original props, vehicles and costumes”. 

You’ll be able to explore different Gotham-themed rooms and check out Batsuits, Super-Villain suits, props and weapons worn and used by Robert Pattinson, Christian Bale, Michael Keaton, Uma Thurman, Heath Ledger and Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can also work your way through a villain mirror-maze thing that looks daunting, visit a comic book breakout area, and play with Batman toys and PS5s loaded up and ready for playing. Most importantly (cynical, moi?), there are “photo opportunities to capture every moment”. 

The exhibition was first in Manchester for a few months, and reviews were top-notch. It’ll now be on in London until November. 

While you’re there… 

👍️ Tbh, you’re not that far from all the places mentioned in the One Whitehall Place event above, so try those! 

The shoes that made me believe in love at first step (part-advert, part-love story)

Back in 2019, I listened to an interview with the Allbirds cofounders. By the end of it, they’d convinced me that Allbirds shoes would be the most comfortable things I’d ever wear, that I’d never suffer from sweaty feet again, and that I should really start caring about sustainable materials (which, it turns out, are better for tootsies anyway).

So, in a rare moment of impulsivity, I bought a pair of their best-selling Tree Runners. When they arrived, I put them on and – I kid you not – I actually moaned. In comfort. In serenity. Maybe even in love? It was like walking on clouds

And then, because I’m me, I returned them.

Why? Because I’d somehow managed to choose a colour so horrible that it shouldn’t legally be allowed to exist. Thankfully, Allbirds’ customer service folks were an utter joy when I swapped them out for a much safer grey/white pair, which I’ve been happily wearing ever since.

But I’m already planning for the future, and when it’s finally time to replace them (which, let’s be honest, might be a while since these things last forever), I’ve got my eyes on the white Tree Pipers. Not only do they look great on Ben Affleck, but I’m hoping they’ll give me just a tiny fraction of his coolness (minus the complicated love life and that awful back tattoo).

So, why am I going on about Allbirds?

Because these shoes are pretty much perfect. Depending on the style, they’re made from either the wool of happy Kiwi sheep or sustainably sourced tree fibres. Plus, their whole ethical practices thing isn’t just a trendy add-on – it’s built into their company DNA.

The shoes go with everything, they’ve survived five years of my abuse (and counting), they’re machine washable, and – I can’t stress this enough – they’re ridiculously comfortable.

Allbirds doesn’t really do discount codes, but honestly, they don’t need to. They’re pretty reasonably priced, ranging from £70ish to £115ish depending on the style, and you’ll get years out of them. Heads-up: the popular colours tend to sell out fast, so if you see a pair you love, you might want to grab them before someone else does.

So check out the entire Allbirds collection and find your perfect pair before they’re gone. But maybe think twice before impulse-buying a brown-and-yellow (or “poo and wee”) pair like I did. Or don’t – no judgement here.

Classic Boat Festival, 2024
Saturday 11:00–17:00; Sunday 11:00–16:00
St Katharine Docks Marina, 50 St Katharine's Way, E1W 1LA
FREE

The Classic Boat Festival is a hugely underrated annual event. You get to see more than 50 vintage and preserved vessels all anchored up and bobbing gently in a pretty marina, and almost all of them have a fascinating history. Last time we went, the owner of a Little Ship of Dunkirk invited us onboard to look around, and he told us all about its role in evacuating soldiers from the Dunkirk beaches in 1940. 

This year there’ll be many more Little Ships of Dunkirk, plus an array of historic tugs, a Navy vessel, the recently refurbished Thames sailing barge Gladys (which looks incredible), and tons more. The owners of all the boats will be there, chatting away to anyone who wants to know more – and they might invite you to take a look around if you seem decent enough. 

As well as all the boats, there’ll be live music, talks, and kids’ activities. Last year, they gave out some brilliant goodie bags – and I’m now hoping they do the same this year or else you and my son are going to be very disappointed. 

While you’re there… 

👍️ Tower Bridge is just around the corner, as is the Tower of London. (This week is very tourism-heavy for some reason.)

👍️ There’s a hotel nearby called CitizenM, which has a huge, fantastic lobby that children seem to love. There are comfy seats everywhere, fun-looking books and magazines, and it’s generally just a great place to hang out. The lobby serves coffees and various snacks. 

👍️ Over the river, across Tower Bridge, is Shad Thames – one of the most beautiful streets in London (check out some photos here). There are plenty of places to eat and get a drink here, and there’s also a Shad Thames Trail if you want to dig into the genuinely interesting history of the place. 

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